The Detour

3 years ago tomorrow,  I suddenly stopped being 17 weeks pregnant  with my first baby.  It altered my entire life and changed my outlooks on nearly everything. Yes, there was pain, and there were tears, and complete abd utter anguish at times. Soon after, I began this blog, pouring my soul into the air, and starting to heal.

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I’ve reread old posts,  tonight,  and felt the need to scrape,  just a little, at old wounds, invisible now.  Just a little hurt to honor the life lost. But, reading deeper, the pots became more hopeful, a little more sunny. The future began to have light and the pieces began to return to their places. So, not just a scratch to recall hurt, but I want to honor that life by remembering the hope and, eventual, happiness that emerged,  that could not have been without her.

I have my rainbow, 2 years old. She’s an utter gem and my world.

And, while 3 years ago, I stopped being 17 weeks pregnant, this year, I find myself 16 weeks along.

I haven’t made this entirely public. If you know me in my personal life, keep that in mind, please.  It’s not that I’m not happy,  I am just instantly overwhelmed by baby talk and I shut down

So, this June,  at 16 weeks pregnant, I am living a strange mirror image of that time,  those years ago. Instead of November 11th, my baby is due about a week later. All the seasonal milestones hit at the same time. Spring break, track meet, summer vacation (milestones become even more obvious when one works at a school). These markers are things I had come to associate with loss.

And now I’m living the alternate path, to that mournful walk I once lead. This road, today, while, oh so familiar, feels like my road less travelled. It’s a route, with the very same weather, seasons, markers and signs.

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But one in which my baby’s heart, on June 3, is still beating.

I am hopeful. I am not cocky.  I don’t think I can ever have an innocent pregnancy again, certain a baby will be here before it is, but, for now, this second rainbow baby is here. And alive.

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10 Responses to The Detour

  1. arlene says:

    May you always be blessed!

  2. Sondra says:

    Hugs… This rainbow of mine aligned perfectly with my 1st and 4th miscarriage. Almost to the day. It is a strange place to be. Thinking of you!

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      Thank you :). I’ve been so happy to follow your rainbow story, Sondra. After loss, nothing ever seems innocent and saf, does it? Even after my daughter being born healthy and well, I still don’t feel like it’s a sure thing this time

  3. I’ve just figured how to see the blogs I follow, so I apologise for not commenting sooner! Sending you congratulations on your rainbow. Those parallel experiences can trigger all kinds of emotions. Keep on reflecting and writing, I’ll be reading and wishing you along! Xx

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      Thank you :). It’s hard to keep up and the blog takes a different shape for sure. This is rainbow #2.
      I’m glad to see how things are shaping up for you!

  4. Brett says:

    So sorry to learn of this. You are exactly right in that after a loss you can never again take a pregnancy for granted. I don’t know if you knew this, but we’ve been through it too. I lost my first two pregnancies in 2011. It’s a heartbreak not quite like anything else.
    Sending much love for this little gem!

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      Thanks so much, Brett. I’m sorry to hear of your losses. Sometimes this blog makes me feel very exposed, but then, people reach out, who’ve been there. That’s what it’s all about

      • Brett says:

        For sure. I admire you for being open about it — I haven’t been very vocal about my experience, and I do think it helps others to hear that many have gone through the same thing!

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