A Summer, Gone
A summer, gone, with stormy skies
weighed on my shoulders, weighs on my mind
two years passed since I felt a heart
beat below mine, a running start
a tiny life that ceased to grow,
that stopped, and my heart didn’t know.
two years since my body held another
two years since I was made a mother
two years, a child I didn’t meet,
a still spot where a heart should beat,
a grief, a lasting shattered place,
a tragic loss I couldn’t face.
Days spent in shadows, comforts gone,
and all the while, the world kept on,
Though mine was hurt beyond repair,
by a tiny life no longer there.
I sobbed, I ached, I whispered, why?
I tried and tried to say goodbye
Two years have come and gone since then,
I’m in a different space again,
a child that lived, that fills my heart,
now eases the sting of being apart,
my heart aches as summer storms fall, still,
and though healing now, it aways will
how strange that two years have slipped away,
since a soul defining day,
simce I was not invincible,
since I suffered pain, formidible,
beyond any other, beyond belief,
two years since I slipped into grief.
Two years, since from the ash, I rose
Two years of time I’ve had to grow,
two years have led me to this space,
a much more balanced, peaceful place,
the storm I travelled slowly through,
shows me now how much one life can do.
Two years have passed since my first pregnancy ended at 17 weeks gestation. I felt a loss like no other, and a pain I had never experienced. I don’t talk about it much, anymore. It makes most people uncomfortable, they seem to think it’s gone, it’s over, it needn’t be addressed. But, beyond the loss of that little life, the loss of security, hope and the blissful feeling that things will always work out. I can never get that back.
I haven’t forgotten that tiny child, that tiny life, who’s ‘birthday’ looms. Summer’s start will, likely, always dredge up feelings of unease and loss. I will try to embrace my time with my rainbow girl, and not wallow in the memory of hurt, but I will recall the growth I felt as a result of her life, the new person I’ve become, thanks to my brief time with her. I will try, to remember, with gratitude, the way I managed to regain my strength and embrace life, all because of a few brief moments, the flutter of a tiny heart, and the moment that heart stopped.