Well, it’s four a.m. again.
For the seemingly millionth time this week, I’m hauled outta bed in the dark of night as Pepper cries. She’s been sick, congested and intermittently runny nosed. A layer of sticky snot coats my tops by noon each day. She coughs mid nap, wakes herself up and weeps in exhaustion.
I’ve spent two or three nights awake, holding her upright to sleep so she can breathe.
Perhaps I’m forming bad habits…..
She’s seemed better the last two days and, miraculously, slept nearly through two nights! Thank goodness, I was becoming a zombie.
But somehow, here I am tonight, awake for hours trying to put the poor girl back to sleep. Each time I set her down, her energy level seems to peak. A jolt runs through her and suddenly panic sets in. And were back to soothing, rocking, patting. Try again. Fail again.
So, here I am again, propped on the couch as Pep sleeps tucked against me. Suddenly so restful, at ease.
Am I starting habits, getting myself in trouble? Or is it just survival mode kicking in?
When she sleeps, sometimes I wake in a panic. I think the worst. I sneak into her room, my trusty iPhone flashlight ablaze, and I stare at her tiny body breathing. I finally remember to breathe. I’ve just gotta know she’s there.
So, here I am holding my girl, getting my wish. I can feel each breath, and though tired, feel that she’s safe. I’ve just gotta know she’s there.
Bad habits be damned. She’s so cuddled in. Maybe I’m the safe zone too. Maybe she’s just gotta know I’m there.
I wonder if she’ll grow up knowing I need her just as much as she needs me.
Codependency at it’s finest.
So here I am again at four a.m.
Instilling habits, hard to break. Or just coasting on survival mode.
I might regret this lack of sleep I’m setting myself up for.
But I might not regret the sweet girl sleeping innocently against my heart tonight, as I listen to the steady in and out of her breath.
No, I don’t think I’ll regret it.
In the long run.
Who looks back and says, I wish we’d cuddled less and slept more?