How odd to answer that common question, ‘Is this your first?’ with, ‘Yes.’
All the while, I think, fully functioning baby? Yes, I hope so. Pregnancy? No. Baby? Sort of….not really….
I try not to be bogged down by this. My subconscious lets it filter in from time to time. My recurring odd pregnancy dreams tend to center on the idea that my husband and I are eagerly preparing for a new baby only to realize, discover, recall that we already HAVE a baby that we aren’t doing our job in caring for. She exists, inexplicably alive, clean, fed, but somehow neglected, and I scramble to scoop her up and shower her with love, even it only to prove that I can care for a new child.
Let’s not go too far in dissecting that one, the psycho babble pretty much writes itself.
I am happy and relishing each movement and squiggle and the super kicks that ninja baby is throwing around in there. I watch my belly jostle, starting with a slow ripple. I imagine the scene in Jurassic Park in which the water ripples as a distant thudding commences. The T Rex is coming…….
It doesn’t hurt that at our 20 week ultrasound, our lil gal looked inexplicably like a dinosaur.
This week we got in for another scan, to ensure she is measuring as she should, since I have gained almost no weight at all. Expanded, yes, but oddly, not gained. Little bean is doing just fine, weighing in at 2.5 pounds and measuring just as she should. The tech snapped us an arm’s length of photos. Blurry little feet and hands, profile shots and button noses.
And then, later as I thumbed through the shots, I stumbled across this image:
Our little goldfish, jumping bean, kick puncher, our little girl stared right back from the photo, an amazing shot of her little face, her hand curled up at her mouth. I gasped a little upon seeing her face so clearly. She has grown so much since we last got to see her. True, I feel her jostles and jabs so much stronger now, but to be able to see her looking back set my mind onto another phase of thinking and clicked in a new sense of reality.
Despite all the fear and anxiety, nausea and aches and pains, utter panic from time to time, I have truly loved each moment of being pregnant, and I attribute that to a gratitude I could never have known the first time around. This journey is nearing it’s end, and the truth, the reality, is that, though the nervousness, the stress, the anxiety is most certainly just beginning……
this little face is what I have to look forward to. Already I know I will miss our days together as she cuddled below my heart and I was her only world, but I cannot wait to meet her.