A few days ago, I posted a poem I wrote called ‘A Child Not Born Today’, in reference to passing my due date after losing my baby to miscarriage at 17 weeks. I learned today about a child that WAS born that day.
On November 11th, on Remembrance Day, on my due date and hers, my coworker had a baby girl. A little over 8 pounds.
This news hurts less than I thought it would. It hurt less, in fact, than awakening on that dreaded day, planning to go about my life as normal, and finding that my body was refusing to ignore the connotations of this calendar square. I was so tired. My eyes felt heavy, my body felt leaden, and though I lay in bed, certain the ache and fatigue were result of my recent cold, I could not sleep. Once I got up, everything around me caused frustration and anger. I felt explosive, and after an immature battle with our internet modem and some unnecessary rage screaming, I succumbed to my heart and sobbed in a way that I haven’t done in months, since the wound was fresh.
I wandered through the snow, tears hot and stinging on my face, to find my husband working in the shop. He held me,sawdust in the air, and kindly told me everything would be ok.
I promptly found a cat to cuddle and bounced back in record time, though with a shadow of hurt lingering on the outskirts.
Today I heard about my coworker’s baby. I said nothing, I asked no questions, I simply listened as I read my book, aware that though most of these women knew I had lost a baby, they didn’t know the date when that baby ought to have been here. None of them could know how much I’ve compared myself to her, how many times I have imagined myself in her shoes. None of them could know that, at that very moment, I pictured myself in the hospital bed cradling a little girl and panicking internally about all that was to come.
But today was a great day. The sun shone out over the snow. Our class took a field trip to the library, rosy cheeks and excited chatter, and little people engaged in books. I am finally feeling better after an atrocious cold, and it made my workday far smoother. After work, I visited the library yet again to deliver items for the upcoming festival of trees (books and Christmas, huzzah!). Today was a good day.
Today I didn’t wonder where I could have been now. Today, I focused on where I am now.
And today was a good day.