The Child Born

A few days ago, I posted a poem I wrote called ‘A Child Not Born Today’, in reference to passing my due date after losing my baby to miscarriage at 17 weeks. I learned today about a child that WAS born that day.

On November 11th, on Remembrance Day, on my due date and hers, my coworker had a baby girl. A little over 8 pounds.

This news hurts less than I thought it would. It hurt less, in fact, than awakening on that dreaded day, planning to go about my life as normal, and finding that my body was refusing to ignore the connotations of this calendar square. I was so tired. My eyes felt heavy, my body felt leaden, and though I lay in bed, certain the ache and fatigue were result of my recent cold, I could not sleep. Once I got up, everything around me caused frustration and anger. I felt explosive, and after an immature battle with our internet modem and some unnecessary rage screaming, I succumbed to my heart and sobbed in a way that I haven’t done in months, since the wound was fresh.

I wandered through the snow, tears hot and stinging on my face, to find my husband working in the shop. He held me,sawdust in the air, and kindly told me everything would be ok.

Jango and Jem

Jango and Jem

I promptly found a cat to cuddle and bounced back in record time, though with a shadow of hurt lingering on the outskirts.

Today I heard about my coworker’s baby. I said nothing, I asked no questions, I simply listened as I read my book, aware that though most of these women knew I had lost a baby, they didn’t know the date when that baby ought to have been here. None of them could know how much I’ve compared myself to her, how many times I have imagined myself in her shoes. None of them could know that, at that very moment, I pictured myself in the hospital bed cradling a little girl and panicking internally about all that was to come.

But today was a great day. The sun shone out over the snow. Our class took a field trip to the library, rosy cheeks and excited chatter, and little people engaged in books. I am finally feeling better after an atrocious cold, and it made my workday far smoother. After work, I visited the library yet again to deliver items for the upcoming festival of trees (books and Christmas, huzzah!). Today was a good day.

Today I didn’t wonder where I could have been now. Today, I focused on where I am now.

And today was a good day.

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7 Responses to The Child Born

  1. amandagehman says:

    I have been feeling like you have at the beginning of your post. But I have been so busy, I don’t have time to just sit and cry…most times I want to, are times I can’t (i.e. at work as a secretary)…I need to make time, I know it will help…

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      I was lucky to have the day at home, freedom to cry when I needed to. I hope you get some time to yourself, soon, to do whatever you need to feel relief. That built up emotional energy can get us into trouble before long.

  2. Alexis McM says:

    You are so strong. I haven’t yet encountered this date but I don’t know that I’ll be able to handle it as gracefully as it sounds like you did. (And yes, I consider aggression against a modem and screaming as graceful because grief will change how you view everything.) You should be proud of being able to focus on where you are now. πŸ™‚

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      Thank you, Alexis. I’m in a good place right now, though I haven’t forgotten those days when I couldn’t imagine ever feeling alright again.
      However you handle it when it comes is undoubtedly justified, whether it is strong and silent or wounded and wailing. I admit to having been a bit of both.

  3. Kate says:

    What a great perspective. Takes a lot of strength to get to that point. So good. Today is a yr that I had my 1st sono- the one that told we had an enlarged yoke sack and likely lose it.

    I am so glad you found joy. Hugs!

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