I have been decidedly not present on my blog as of late. I’ve been ill and busy and culminating my thoughts and feelings into words has fallen to the back burner. As I sit here in my PJs, lazy on a holiday Monday (today is Thanksgiving Day in the Great White North), I am feeling reflective. This year has been one that has shaken me to the core. Much has changed in the root of who I am. I found myself expecting in February, it took me some time to find comfort and excitement, rather than just a certainty that I would just not be cut out for motherhood. Once I felt that urge, that pull, that ease, the thing I longed for was suddenly slipped from my life, with a silence that screams louder than anything I’ve ever heard. In the aftermath of that weighted loss, I found myself floundering under the surf that breaks upon the shore with a vengeance, so often unable to dig my toes into the sand and rock and support myself on shaky legs.
It has taken me much time and reflection to be able to look back at those moments and see things I couldn’t fathom at the time. Today, on Thanksgiving Day, I’m moved to declare my gratitude for the things I’ve gained rather than lost; strength, perspective, a desire to be a parent, a greater value on life, a knowledge that I am not impervious to tragedy, and thus, must soak up all of this life I can. I have a recharged connection with my husband and have felt again the deepest of love in our marriage that can be so easy to overlook. I have gained, or rather, reclaimed, the solace and comfort I had once found in words. Since my loss, I have used poetry and blogging to find my way, letting my words be breadcrumbs in a dark and unfamiliar forest. I have gained a sense of community, a bond, with a world of women who have felt a loss like mine, one that carves so deeply into the heart as to leave scars and gouges forever. These women have inspired me, and have urged me to speak louder, in the hopes of letting my voice be a beacon in the woods for another grieving soul.
After all this time, and after all that’s been lost, today, I shout out into the world a thanks for the strengths I’ve acquired through loss and pain, and I am able to look into those long ago days, those hopeful, happy moments before my baby was swept away from me, and I am able to perceive a sentiment I haven’t truly come to terms with until now, now that I’ve arrived in a new place, a new plateau in my life. I have gratitude for those brief weeks, months that I was pregnant, before I knew that my baby was gone. Now, I am truly thankful for the time I had, the time I carried the most precious of cargo beneath my heart. I am truly thankful that I had my baby for the short but wonderful time that I did, for it was that time that made me a mother, of sorts, and it is that shift of mind that I think I can attribute to my awakening of senses. I am now a mother, not seen so by the world, not celebrated on mother’s day, not to receive cards and flowers and tiny hugs and kisses, but one who’s heart is now linked to a tiny soul that I created and cared for in a way that only a mother can know. Some days it hurts me to reflect this way, but today, I give thanks for that quiet, whispered status; I am a mother, now. And I am grateful.
I am aiming to dedicate some time in the next few days to address this Sunshine Award business. I have been kindly nominated and have big plans to acknowledge this further in an upcoming post, one that follows the ‘rules’ of the thing and pays servance to the words of those who have inspired me as well, just one more thing to be thankful for on this day. Just know I have not forgotten nor ignored this nod, and I do have the greatest of intentions to address it soon.