Farewell, Summer or How I Learned to Hate Facebook

When you hide a post on Facebook, the FB powers that be want answers. They need to know why. Why did you hit hide? Why do you want to hide this post? Why are you blocking this post? Do you want to hide all posts? Do you really want to be on Facebook? What is your problem, after all?

Choose a reason:

-it’s not interesting

-it’s spam

-I’ve seen it before

 

Where’s the box marked “She keeps posting photos of her sister, blissfully and hugely pregnant. Her sister shares what should have been my baby’s due date. I should be just as pregnant as she is, I should be huge and uncomfortable and I should be feeling restless kicks and nudges inside my belly. But my baby died at 17 weeks and hers didn’t.”?

Where’s that box, anyway?

 

Two and a half months since the miscarriage, and I feel pretty strong. I feel like I’m coping as best I know how while faced with something so foreign. Pregnancy was unfamiliar enough, pregnancy loss has been like wandering a tunnel in the dark.

I went back to work shortly afterwards, after a week of living in my cocoon of a bed. One of the toughest obstacles was facing a coworker who shares my due date. She is exactly as pregnant as I should be. I teared up when I saw her, I couldn’t speak to her, I stared down at my food when she waddled into the room, rubbing her lower back. She was nearly as afraid of me as I was of her, avoiding me like the plague, no doubt feeling confused about how she might ever be able to talk to me again.  I made the first step, just a simple Hi, How’s it going? It felt huge at the time.

Now looking back, that seems so long ago. I don’t cry when I see pregnant women, I don’t tear up whenever I see a newborn baby, I don’t even hide photos on facebook posted by friends with two kids and a brand new little one in the home. 

Lucky for me, I work in a school, and was soon released to summer vacation. Time away from students, constant reminders of families that didn’t lose their babies. Time away from the risk of awkward comments and tears (one parent, after my absence, asked how I was doing. I quietly responded, fine, thanks. Her six year old daughter asked, why mom? She’s going to have a baby! said mom. I shook my head no and dashed from the room to cry in a back storage room over dusty forgotten textbooks and bins of pipecleaners. Then promptly cleaned myself up to go and paint faces at our end of year party.) And time away from the daily mirror image of the pregnancy that I no longer have, but that my coworker, apparently not that 1 in 4 who miscarries, still has. Whew.

I’ve let myself forget about these things. I’ve enjoyed my summer, been on some wonderful travels around the country, visited family and friends, lounged in the sun, sand between my toes, drunk wine, eaten copious amounts of cheese, happily scoured antique stores, read books in the grass. It’s been lovely.

But it’s vacation, isn’t it. The days are getting cooler and cooler, and even here in the north, the days are getting shorter and dwindling to fall. This morning, the fog rolled in and out over the fields like deep sleeping breaths, the white skies reminiscent of January.

School is coming again, and with it, a reminder every day of where I am not. Daily reminders up until the moment that she happily departs for maternity leave. Then will come that day when a staffroom announcement is made, she’s had the baby.

And I didn’t.

For now, I’ll hide the photos that pop up on Facebook. I’ll cling to this lovely summer a little longer, and hope the sting of September isn’t quite what I imagine it will be.  I got through it then, I’ll get through it now.

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13 Responses to Farewell, Summer or How I Learned to Hate Facebook

  1. wombwarrier says:

    There used to be an option to mark posts you wanted to hide as ‘Offensive’. I don’t think they have that option anymore, maybe because bitter women like me abused the privilege?

    I can’t imagine being face to face with a woman who shared my due date, let alone being around children all day, every day. You are beyond brave. Enjoy the rest of your summer. By the way, how far north are you? I’m originally from Montana and the way you describe the scenery in your blogs reminds me of home.

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      Thank you for your kind words.
      To be perfectly honest, I managed to lose myself daily in the hilarious calamity that is Kindergarten. I expected to find myself pining, but I rarely have the time.
      I live in Northern Alberta. At the height of light, the summer solstice, I can read a book outside at 1 am. Makes the length bitter winters almost worth it.

  2. amourningmom says:

    I think it is more than ok to hide the photos. Thinking of you and wishing that none of us had to live in a world without our child/children. Take care.

  3. Jenny says:

    I recently found myself asking the same questions. We just lost ours at 16 weeks, and the constant updates from pregnant friends was too much. When I clicked hide, I had the very same thoughts for Facebook. I also am enduring the pregnant coworker 😦 Thanks for sharing.

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Jenny. I’m glad you find some common ground with my story, hoping it helps. ‘The pregnant coworker’ (friend, sister, neighbour, whatever it may be to whomever) is a tough road to hack. I’m hoping we all come out of it stronger and better.
      Wishing you all the best, hope and peace.

  4. Oh, I have the exact same problem. I lost my son recently at 22 weeks and I have a coworker who shares my due date. I’m off for the summer, still, and not sure how I’m going to manage…

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  8. Alexis McM says:

    Good for you! I’m not fairing as well at 2 1/2 months after. Knowing what this journey is like, I know you must be a strong, strong lady! Hoping for a healthy baby in the end for you!

    • CGsaysstuff says:

      Thanks, hon. I have my strong days, and then the inevitable backslides. I have no doubt you’ll find yourself the same soon enough. I am hoping the same outcome for you.

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