With the Current

There are moments when I forget. Not that I should be having my first child in a few months. Not that said baby tragically slipped away before I was ever to meet her. Not that I have a child and that I don’t have a child. Sometimes I manage to forget that searing pain I found myself in when she died. I manage to drift away from what once truly seemed to be an insurmountable hurt. I paddle lazily through calm waters, the sun beaming down upon my weary shoulders. I’m strong enough to take on the currents now, now that I’ve been beaten down mercilessly to my core, but I’ve gained my footing and am starting to regain my balance. She didn’t get to give me her love, her smiles, her future. But she’s given me strength, and a part of my soul feels her on the breeze, and another sliver knows that she lives in me. She carries on in my strength, in my search for happiness, in my reconstruction of self.
For now, I paddle on slowly and allow myself to be carried away from the sharpness of pain. If only for today. And I am grateful for today.

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